When Everything Feels Like It's Falling Apart...

I don’t know if it’s my Saturn Return. I don’t know if a specific transit is crossing over my chart. I know we’re not in retrograde right now. It might just be where the moon is sitting today. I honestly don’t know. But I’m having an epiphany—like, right now—and I need to get this out of my head and into the world because it’s been sitting on my chest for a while.

I’ve noticed this pattern that has been with me for most of my life. It’s loud right now. And I’m finally seeing it clearly: I live in chaos. I live in disorganization. I can’t fast for more than three days without slipping. I can’t keep my room clean for more than 30 minutes before it’s a tornado again. It’s like I’m constantly moving, constantly going, constantly juggling something—and nothing ever feels settled.

I’ve been realizing just how much instability surrounds me right now. Emotionally, physically, financially. Everything feels like it’s crumbling or shaking loose from beneath me, and I can’t find solid ground. And even though I say I want routine, maybe that’s not even what I truly need. Maybe I’m supposed to live in some kind of flow—some process that allows me to ebb and move like water.

But this… this isn't it.

It’s discouraging to feel like I don’t have a foundation, like I don’t have structure. I don’t know anyone who’s thriving without at least some kind of order. And being an air sign, all this mental chaos makes me irritable. I can literally feel something inside of me getting agitated. I want to blame my seventh house in Taurus or my Capricorn third house or maybe my Virgo in the eleventh house. Those Earth placements that should be giving me grounding—they’re just not enough right now.

And honestly? This feeling makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

I’ve been having stomach issues again. My GI tract feels like it’s revolting, and I don’t know if it’s nerves or if I’m excited or if my body is trying to speak to me in a language I still haven’t learned how to interpret. I know I haven’t been eating right. I know my gut needs more from me. But everything feels like it’s unraveling at the same time, and I can’t tell if it’s divine intervention or self-destruction.

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want a space—an altar, a corner, a moment—that holds me. That reminds me of who I am and who I’m becoming. I want to invite in flow, clarity, direction. I want divine presence. I want stability. But everything around me feels unstable. And maybe it’s crumbling for my highest good, but damn—it’s still hard. It’s still heavy. It’s still scary.

This is shaky ground for me. And I don’t like how it feels.

But maybe this is what it means to be rebuilt. Maybe this is the part where the foundation is being cleared so I can finally pour a new one. I’m not sure yet. I just know that I want better for myself. And even though I don’t have all the answers, I’m open. I’m willing to feel it all. I’m willing to sit in the discomfort long enough to learn what it’s trying to teach me.

So if you’re here too—if life feels like it’s spinning and you can’t find your footing—just know, you’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of something deeper, something stronger, something more aligned.