Is it worth it? Let me work it... I put my thang down, flip it, and reverse it!

So there’s this goal, this dream, this vision, I’ve had for myself, and I think I wrote it down sometime in late 2024, going into this year. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself, so I gave it space to breathe, room to grow.

The vision?

I want 2.5 acres of land.

I don’t even know where, what state, city, or town. But I see it so clearly. And on this land, I live in a black container home, two stories, converted and transformed into a cozy, beautiful space. This home sits in the middle of nowhere, tucked in quiet, surrounded by stillness and trees and birds and bugs and soil that I can ground.

And it’s not just a home in the vision. This is just one part of it.

Outside, I have an outdoor bath and shower, because when I say I’m outside, I mean I’m outside. 

Connected to the earth. I have a greenhouse, a garden shed, and a space where I grow all my own food, plants, herbs, fruits, vegetables, and flowers.

Further back, there’s a separate single-wide trailer, transformed into my lab and work studio. That’s where I go to handle business. I don’t want to work inside my home. I need boundaries. My creative and business energy needs its own space, its own routine. It’s air-conditioned, organized, fully stocked, and fully functional. A container for my dreams and productivity.

And then… the car. Whew, let’s talk about the car.

My dream car shifts a little, depending on the season, but one thing I know for sure is I want an Audi A7. And not just because it looks good, though it does, but because there’s something about that car that feels rare. You don’t see many A7s. You’ll see A3s, A4s, A5s, maybe even A8s. But the 7? It’s elusive. And that makes me feel like I’m close to something.

Every time I spot one, especially on a hard day, it’s like a little wink from the universe. Like, “You’re getting warmer.”

I’ve seen three A7s in a single day before. That moment made me feel like I was vibrating on the edge of a breakthrough.

I’ve had other cars on the board too—a green Jeep Wrangler, a gray Bronco. I’m still debating those. But that A7? That’s locked in.

Now let me tell you about my pets, because of course there are pets! I want a black and yellow ball python named Eden, doesn’t matter the gender, just the name. And a gray cat named Smokey, who will, without fail, be dressed up every Halloween as Smokey from Friday. Because that’s just a little piece of joy that makes me laugh.

And above all of it, over the land, the car, the home, the garden, the snake, the cat, is this truth: Money is the tool. Freedom is the goal.

Because yes, I want to be financially successful. But more than that, I want independence. I want my time back. I want my decisions to be based on peace, not survival.

But here’s the thing. As I speak all of this out loud, I’m standing in the middle of my room… and it’s a mess. I’m looking around at clothes that need to be folded, books that are stacked in corners, and a room that’s been unkempt for weeks now. Maybe a month.

And I don’t feel like cleaning it.

I know all the things, "clean space, clear mind." "Motivation follows action."

But I don’t feel it. And I don’t want to clean out of frustration. I don’t want to tidy up because I’m forcing myself to “push through” something that doesn’t feel right.

What I want is to feel good. I want the act of organizing to be healing, not punishing. But my physical space reflects how I’ve been feeling emotionally and mentally, scattered, worn down, overloaded.

And not because I’ve been lazy. I’ve been busy, working events, servicing clients, and showing up for everything and everyone. And now? I’m just… tired.

It made me think: When we talk about balance, when we talk about building lives we’re proud of, we have to look at all four corners of our wellbeing: emotional, physical, mental, and financial. Put those points on a square, and you’re in the center. But if any corner is stretched or ignored, that square starts to tilt. It turns into a rhombus. A diamond. It gets warped.

And that’s what I’ve been feeling. A little lopsided. A little off-center.

And then I ask myself: why do we tie “feeling good” to whether or not we’ve earned it? Why does resting feel like laziness when it’s a requirement? Why do we only celebrate once we’ve cleaned the room or finished the task?

Maybe I’m still unlearning the idea that discipline is the only path to success. That consistency and hustle are the only ways to prove you’re worthy.

But honestly? I don’t feel like a “disciplined” person. I feel like someone who shows up as best I can, when I can. I wing it some days. I pause on other days. And I keep moving on my terms.

That’s not to say I don’t believe in structure. I do. But I also believe in being human. And if there’s anything I’m learning right now, it’s that I don’t want to keep pushing just to prove I deserve a dream I already know is mine.

So today, I’m not going to clean my room. But I am going to breathe. I’m going to reflect. I’m going to stretch a little. Maybe a journal. Maybe meditate. I’m going to be in my body, in my present moment, and not in my frustration.

Because the dream isn’t going anywhere. The vision is still alive. And I don’t need a clean room to believe in what’s coming.