A Personal Reflection on My Relationships

If I ran into them randomly, in public… I don’t know how I’d react.

I mean, I can sit here and play out different scenarios. Feed into the “what ifs” and the quiet delusions. But if I’m honest, it hurts too much to even entertain it. I have to keep reminding myself, I tolerated disrespect from this person. And not just once. This has been going on since I first met them.

You give people your time, and you don’t always want that time back… but I do want my consciousness back. I want the emotional weight of that time to be cleared. I want the tie, whatever it is, to be cut. Because right now, it still feels like a vine, or an anchor, tangled around me. I don’t feel free.

Some people would probably hear that and say, “Maybe it’s a soul tie,” or “Maybe that’s your soulmate, you should reach out, get closure, see how they feel.”

But I don’t care about that anymore. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Still… there’s this little question that lingers. This curiosity.That, "what if"?

And maybe I call it curiosity because I don’t want to admit it’s attachment. Or fear. Or hope. Maybe I didn’t communicate everything I needed to. Maybe I didn’t say it the way I should have. Maybe I was too “go with the flow.” But even then, I shouldn’t have had to force anything. I wanted him to take the lead. I wanted him to know me. To be in tune.

I didn’t want to beg to be seen. To be understood.

And even though some things felt safe with him—some conversations, some mental clarity—it was all fragile. Because everything that was left unsaid left space for disrespect to live.

And that’s the word that keeps coming up: disrespect. Not abuse. Not abandonment. But a quiet, heavy disregard. A lack of care for the things I shared—my hopes, my goals, my dreams. That’s not something you take lightly.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that was the disrespect. Not the absence of love. But the absence of consistent reassurance. No, “We’re gonna be okay.” No, “I see you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Nothing. Just silence.

And I’m tired of pretending that silence doesn’t hurt.

Yes, I can tell everyone I’m over it. That he’s not for me. That I don’t want him.But in the quiet? Behind closed doors? There’s a different conversation.

So now I’m asking myself: What part of me still needs to heal? What part of me still believes he could return and make it right? Why can’t I just be free?

Because I do want to be loved. I do want peace. I do want a relationship that feels like safety, not struggle . And I don’t want to be haunted by this anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly revisiting a memory that wasn’t even as beautiful as I’m making it out to be.

My heart’s been heavy for weeks. I haven’t been sleeping well. I keep wondering if I’m pushing myself so hard just to prove a point. Like, “Look what I’ve built without you.” But the truth is, I never had him. Not really.

So what am I trying to prove?

I don’t want my hustle to come from heartbreak.I don’t want my independence to be a defense mechanism.

I want to rest. I want joy. I want to be normal. And I don’t need the world to know how great I’m doing without him. I don’t want to perform healing online. I just want to feel free in real life.

I’m not isolated. I still have my friends. I still have my sisters. I didn’t give up everything for this man. But I did give him space—and now I want it back. I want my mind back. My energy is back. My spirit is back.

I keep saying I’m too busy to focus on dating. Too focused on work.Too focused on building. But I make time for my girls. I make time to have fun. So why am I holding myself back from healing?

Maybe it’s because I’m scared that if I really let go…There’s no one coming to find me. There’s no rescue. There’s no knock on the door. And as silly as it sounds, I think some part of me still wants him to chase me.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of pretending I’m over it when I’m not.

So I did something I haven’t done in a while. I prayed.

I asked God to remove this pain from me. I asked Him to clear the cloud over my heart. I asked for peace. Not revenge. Not a second chance. Just peace.

Because I can’t carry this anymore. Not emotionally. Not physically. Not spiritually.

God, I don’t want to prove anything anymore. I don’t want to fix it myself. I just want to be free.

And for the first time, I believe that’s possible.